Repeat After Me: I Am Doing My Best
With every family dog, there is a human trying their very best to do the right thing for their pet. Nobody intends to make mistakes, to be underprepared, to do the “wrong” thing, to not have the mental energy to take their dog for a walk every day. Everyone is just doing their best with the information they have in front of them, yet we sit with such guilt or fear of judgment with every choice we make for our pets.
A majority of the clientele that we work with are behavior modification with a focus on aggression, fear, reactivity, etc. People want to know why their dog bit that person, fought with their other dog, is fearful of strangers or is now lunging at joggers...and they will typically point a blaming finger at themselves in one way or another. And quite honestly, the internet (and many other sources of publicly available “dog training” information out there) backs them up on these claims.
“Well if you would’ve done _____, then _____ wouldn’t have happened”.
“If I would’ve been supervising the dogs in the backyard, maybe they wouldn’t have gotten into that fight.”
“If I was a better leader, maybe my dog wouldn’t be so fearful”
“I should have told that child not to reach to pet my dog, and maybe he wouldn’t have gotten bit”
“If I would’ve trained with my dog sooner, maybe he wouldn’t be this way”
“I should have set more strict rules, and maybe my dog wouldn’t show aggression”
“If I just tried harder, maybe this wouldn’t have happened”
I mean, the owner shaming happening in the world these days is awful to see. If everyone out there was an educated professional trainer who knew what to do all the time every second of the day, well, there would be no need for educated professional dog trainers. It is our job as professionals to guide our clients to make the very best choices for their pets. To uplift them, encourage them, and empower them, regardless of the choices they may have made, rather than shaming and blaming. If we are going to be brutally honest, and I am, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. We all have done things we wish we should’ve done differently, and no one should be made to feel guilty for that.
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had similar thoughts of self-blame throughout my training journey. Not only with my own dogs and their behavior, but when I’m working with my day-to-day clients too. I’m thoroughly invested in each of my clients and their pets’ well-being. I enjoy being a part of the progress and watching relationships flourish while the confidence and optimism of each dog-human team grows. It is by far my most favorite part of the job and the driving force behind my work ethic. That being said, it’s not always rainbows, butterflies, and playing with puppies. Sometimes the behavior plan I design doesn’t quite lead to the results I was expecting or hoping for. Everything is right on track, and then something happens to set them back and I think about what I could’ve possibly changed to avoid that outcome. If I don’t stop myself, I can sometimes get stuck in toxic self-talk. “It’s my fault…If only I would’ve done this…I know better than to make that mistake…I should’ve thought of that sooner…I’m not good enough...”
It is fairly normal to try to replay a scenario in our mind and think about what we could’ve done differently. Many times we can understand and process these consequences as opportunities for learning and growth. However, what happens when the result is a bit more difficult to cope with. Bites to a family member, a child, or yourself? A serious fight between your dogs? Rehoming a pet? Behavioral Euthanasia? The guilt, shame, and self-doubt after events like these can be unbearable, and unfortunately, there is very little support from the community when we are dealing with decisions and outcomes like these. Judgement is passed by strangers, other trainers, social media, family members, and friends.
Listen up, Judge-y Judys: We have our own guilt and shame sundae, we don’t need any extra sprinkles of hate, Thanks!
Here’s the point: We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how our dogs are going to react in every situation. If we could we would have done things differently, to begin with. The most we can do is anticipate how our actions might affect the consequences, do the research, do the work, and be the very best teammate for our dogs. Just know that there will be times, regardless of us doing all of the right and well-intentioned things, that the outcome might be shitty...and it really sucks sometimes. I get it, believe me. Feel all of those feelings, but just try not to stay in there too long.
You are doing your best 💕